


When Barney Met Blair

by katayla



Category: Gossip Girl, How I Met Your Mother
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-28
Updated: 2009-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-04 19:01:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/33099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katayla/pseuds/katayla
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barney sleeps with the wrong person and has to face the consequences. And by "wrong person," I mean Blair. And, by "consequences," I mean Dorota.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Barney Met Blair

**Author's Note:**

> For [](http://starryeyedmagic.livejournal.com/profile)[**starryeyedmagic**](http://starryeyedmagic.livejournal.com/), who gets most of the credit for the plot!

_Come to MacClaren's! Bring your gun!_

When Robin got the text, she figured Barney wanted to hook up. Guns and MacClaren's were a bit conservative, sure, but that's how they worked. One of them would suggest a meeting place and props, they'd meet up and then torture their friends with the details.

Really, they should've came up with this arrangement years ago. Robin hadn't had so much fun since college.

But when she got to MacClaren's, Barney wasn't at their table. He wasn't at the bar. He wasn't in either of the bathrooms. She finally gave up and sat down. He was probably tied up at work.

A hand grabbed her ankle.

"Get down here!" Barney hissed.

"Barney!" Robin leaned down to see Barney crouched under the table. His suit was rumpled and stained. She'd never seen him look worse.

"Get down here!"

"Barney, I'm not--"

"It's a matter of life and death!"

"You better not be talking about your suit," Robin said, as she slid under the table, and sat next to him.

"I'm being stalked."

"Let me guess. By a girl you slept with and never called again."

"No, of course not!"

"Barney."

"It's not!"

"Okay, you know what," Robin said, scooting toward the table end. "You can deal with it yourself."

"No!" Barney lunged at her.

"I can't help if you don't tell me anything!"

Barney sighed. "Okay, so a couple of months ago, I . . . kind of slept with someone I shouldn't have."

"And now her husband is after you."

"No!"

"Wait, it wasn't Lily, was it? Because Marshall still has a couple of slaps left."

"Nobody's husband is after me!"

"You know, I have other things I could be doing with my day!"

"Okay, okay." Barney's eyes darted from side to side. "It's . . . her maid."

"And now I really am leaving."

"She's scary! Have you ever been screamed at in Polish?" Barney shuddered.

"Uh, no. Anyway, what does all of this have to do with me?"

Barney grinned. "I need a bodyguard."

"Yeah?"

Barney slid closer to her. "Someone with a gun . . . hot . . . Canadian . . . ."

"Hm, I might just have the perfect candidate for you," Robin said, as she leaned forward to kiss him.

***

"Is this a real thing?" Ted asked later that night when they were all gathered at MacClaren's. "Or one of your crazy games?"

"Oh, it's real," Barney said. "I barely made it here alive."

"Are you really carrying your gun right now?" Marshall asked. He stared at Robin.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Robin smirked at him.

"I think it's just an excuse for them to have more sex," Lily said.

"Please. Like we need an excuse," Barney said. "But you do offer overnight protection services, right, Scherbatsky?"

"Of course."

Ted shook his head. "Are you really scared of a _maid_, Barney?"

"You didn't see her! She may have looked innocent in that maid's uniform, and her hair back in that neat little bun, but you should've heard what she threatened to do to me."

"Uh, Barney?" Marshall asked. "Does she have brown hair?"

"Yes, wh--No!" Barney yelled, as he followed Marshall's gaze. "You guys never saw me!" He tried to slide from his chair, but Robin grabbed his arm.

"Not so fast," she said.

"Do you _want_ me to die?"

"I have a gun, remember?"

"Does anyone else sense this ending really badly?" Ted asked, as Marshall and Lily clung to each other.

"Mr. Barney! You cannot run away!" The woman advanced on their table, fists clenched, and eyes blazing.

"I-I-I . . . save me, Robin!" Barney dove behind Robin's back.

"I have never been less attracted to you," Robin said.

Barney moaned.

"Look," Marshall said, when the woman was standing in front of them. "I'm sure we can work this out, Ms. . . .?"

"Dorota."

"Ms. Dorota, what did Barney do?"

"Just Dorota. He sleep with Miss Blair! When she in high school!" Dorota switched over to Polish, her words growing louder and angrier.

"You slept with a _high schooler_?" Ted asked over the stream of Polish.

"What? She was legal!" Barney said, emerging from behind Robin.

"Ew!" Lily said. "Ew, ew, ew!"

"I'm not defending you against that!" Robin said, drawing back from Barney. "In fact--"

"You know who I am, Robin," Barney said softly.

Robin sighed, and then nodded, and covered Barney's hand with her own. "I got your back."

Dorota had fallen silent as she watched this exchange. "You love Mr. Barney?"

"Uh," Robin said. "That's one of those things we don't talk about."

"Miss Blair sometimes has bad taste in men," Dorota said. "Maybe that what happen?"

"Yes!" Barney said. "I'm a bad, bad man. I'm sure Robin will punish me throughly."

Robin smacked him.

"Not like _that_!" Barney pouted at Robin, and then turned to Dorota. "So are we good?"

"Not until you apologize to Miss Blair."

"Apologize? She should be thinking me! A night with Barney Stinson is the pinnacle of any girl's life, the height of--"

Dorota started yelling at him in Polish again. Some of what she said made Barney wince and once he had to wipe tears from his eyes. "Okay, okay!" Barney said. "I'll apologize!"

"Good," Dorota said. "Come!" Barney leapt up to follow her, Robin following close behind.

The other three exchanged glances.

"You think we should let them have their privacy?" Ted asked.

"And miss Barney apologizing to a woman? No way!" Lily said.

"Let's go!" Marshall said.

***

Dorota didn't take her eyes off of Barney for the entire journey, as she led them out of the bar to an Upper East Side apartment, where a dark haired girl and boy had their heads close together in conversation.

"I didn't think even Serena could get into that much trouble that quickly," the girl said.

"She does have a talent."

"Well, we can't help her from here."

The boy smiled at her. "Want to take that vacation we didn't get last year?"

"Quick stop Fiji in for Serena--"

"--and then off to Tuscany."

Dorota cleared her throat.

"What?" the girl snapped. "Who are these people, Dorota?"

Dorota glared at Barney, who jumped as if he'd been stabbed. "I'm sorry for sleeping with you, Blair. I never should've taken advantage of you."

"Wait, you slept with this guy, too?" the boy asked. "How many more of these should I expect?"

"Do you _really_ want to start comparing lists, Chuck?" Blair glared at him.

"At least when it was my uncle and my best friend, I could see where you were coming from, but where did you even pick up this one? Off the street?"

"Hey!" Robin said. "Barney's a great guy!"

"He can't even fight his own battles," Chuck said. "A real man would stand up for himself."

"A real man doesn't have to fight!" Lily said.

"At least, not when his girlfriend owns a gun," Ted said.

"I'm not his girlfriend!"

"You're still tougher than Barney," Marshall said.

Robin bit her lip. "He doesn't have to fight." She glanced at Barney. "Although it would be really hot if he did."

"Yeah?" Barney asked.

"Oh yeah."

Barney threw his jacket on the ground. "Come on!" He cracked his knuckles. "Let's do this!"

Chuck smiled. "Do you really expect me to fight you?"

"Yeah," Marshall said. "I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"Why don't you just leave and we'll all pretend this never happened?" Chuck said. His eyes fell on Robin. "Except you. I'll remember you."

Barney didn't say anything. He just stepped forward and punched Chuck in the jaw. Chuck fell out of of his seat and hit the ground. Blair screamed, and threw herself on him.

Chuck sat up slowly, rubbing his chin. "Do you know who I am?"

"He's Chuck Bass," Blair said. "Which means there's no way you're getting away with that."

"Would that be Chuck Bass of Bass Industries?" Marshall asked. "One of the most litigious companies in New York?"

"Nice to meet you." Chuck nodded at him.

Marshall turned to Barney. "As your lawyer, I advise you to RUN!"

The five of them sprinted across the room and into the elevator. Lily frantically pressed the close button.

"Are they following?" Marshall asked, hopping from one foot to the other. "Are they following?"

"No. I think they're laughing at us," Lily said. Marshall sighed in relief.

Barney stood at the back of the elevator and opened and closed his hand. "You know," Robin said, as she took his hand. "That really was kind of hot."

"Yeah?" Barney said.

"Mmm. How's your hand feeling?" She brought it up to her lips. "Need me to play nurse?"

Barney grinned at her. "I still have that uniform."

"We could--"

"Please," Ted said. "Stop talking."

"You're no fun."


End file.
